Behind the Back of the Book's Grand Finale!

The startling conclusion of a week's worth of revisions with Jess...
Phase 1
Phase 2
Phase 3
Phase 4


And NOW


Before:
The Keepers, four races of elemental beings, have been driven into hiding by the evil sorceress Malloren. Thinking themselves doomed to a life of secrecy in a hidden city, their hopes are rekindled when a prophecy tells of their salvation. Four human children from different areas of the world will be born with elemental magic. It is these four children who will bring about Malloren's downfall and restore the natural order. They have waited 100 years, and the children's powers are now awakening...


After:
Possessing magic in Sirra is dangerous. Using it is a death sentence. Scattered across the country, four teenagers are struggling to hide their deadly peculiarities. Faron has spent his entire life covering the strange bark-like patterns on his torso. Orla's blue-violet cat eyes have earned her fear and animosity in her father's palace. Kai's adoptive family has always loved him, undeterred by the scales on his palms. Wren, named for the tiny bird she resembles, survives as a street thief, despite being blind. Together, these four must find their way to the City of Loria--which may be nothing but a fable--before a sorceress queen and her undead army find them first.


BAM.


If you're in half as much awe as I am, you'll be wanting to follow Jess' blog...to the ends of the Earth. 
Or Sirra.


What do you think was the most effective change/advice from this week's project?

Behind the Back of the Book 4/5

Continuing Monday's Project with Jess:

In a country where magic has nearly been eliminated, four teenagers bear the marks of elementals. Faron has spent his entire life hiding the strange bark-like patterns on his torso. Orla's blue-violet cat eyes have earned her fear and animosity in her father's palace. Kai's adoptive family has always loved him despite the scales on his palms. Wren, named for the tiny bird she resembles, manages to survive as a street thief, despite being blind. Together, these four must find their way to the city of Loria before the sorceress queen and her undead army discover their existence.

I feel like we're honing in on this thing like a stealth pilot--zooming in and nipping it in the bud. I do have a few ideas though, and then I think you'll have to move on from me and get a fresh view, because I'll have contributed as much as I can.


"In a country where magic has nearly been eliminated, four teenagers bear the marks of elementals."


So I see a few problems here.


The first is the "has...been" is a little weak.


The second problem is "nearly." You want to make sure that when you have only a small amount of time to say anything that it packs as much of a punch as possible. Imagine Rafiki from the Lion King smacking you on the head and saying, "is it eliminated or not?" If you can't give it a yes or no answer, the claim is not strong enough. "So what is it?" Rafiki asks. I'm going to guess that it is outlawed, judging from all these samples I've read. It sounds like people may even be exterminated when they use it--particularly these elementals.


Third, eliminating magic isn't as strong of an idea as eliminating the *people* who use it. Killing magic doesn't quite villify an evil sorceress like killing magic people would. I assume she does both, so I'd bank on the more terrible one.


Fourth, starting a sentence with "in a country" or "in a land" feels cliché to me. I'd just cut it. Your story has to take place in a country or a land. I think it can be snuck in just a tad differently...


Five, the teenagers bearing the marks of elementals is a bit too much of a giveaway to me. The introductory sentences about them make me curious...unless I already know what they mean. Tell me they're elementals, and I've no reason to wonder about bark or scales meaning anything mysterious.


I had an idea, when you said the city of loria was hidden. I'm guessing it may be ancient? And other people can't find it? It'd be a cool detail if people don't even know if it still exists. That might be fun to add.


Also, if the kids are trying to find the city, you might think about playing with the wording about the sorceress looking for them.


Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion of Jess' summary bonanza!
Meanwhile, do you ever struggle with indefinite sentences?

Behind the Back of the Book 3/5

Continuing Monday's Project with Jess:

The country of Sirra is ruled by a burned woman and her army of elemental zombies. Her destruction will come at the hands of four unusual teenagers. Faron has spent his entire life hiding the strange bark-like markings on his torso. Orla's blue-violet cat eyes have earned her fear and animosity in her father's palace. Kai's adoptive family has always loved him despite the scales on his palms. Wren, named for the tiny bird she resembles, manages to survive as a street thief, despite being blind. Together, these four must find their way to the hidden city of Loria before the sorceress queen and her undead army discover their existence.

At this point, Jess' hook summary was lookin' pretty good. Naming salt and sugar from here on out would get a little tedious and repetitive, and our personal emails showed that she was taking the reviews well emotionally, so I ditched the euphemisms and started honing in on smaller problems.

A burned woman and her army of elemental zombies...I feel like my brain just took a few too many loops there. The first thing I imagine is a woman who has literally been a third-degree burn victim, which bandages all over her body and face. The elemental zombies sound kind of...fruity. Zombies using element magic in my head just doesn't really add up, so I got lost in the first sentence. Of course, I'm positive they're going to make sense in your story, but I'd be careful about how I introduce them. "Her destruction will come at the hand of four unusual teenagers" is telling me the end of the book. I'm not going to read any farther than that sentence if I randomly pick up the book.


The second half is looking great though! The last sentence is very good. I would take out the extra adjective "hidden." If you have to find the city, you already know it's hidden. Undead army works for me. The word undead feels a bit more flexible than "zombies" from the beginning.


While revising your first sentence, I'd consider doing what you did before: give us a brief glimpse of all four teenagers. In this version you're resorting to your original tendency to talk about your villain first. I'm not as interested in her for now.


Stay tuned for Phase 4 tomorrow. We're almost there!
In the meantime, do you ever struggle with giving your ending away with too much foreshadowing or prophecies in your summary?

Behind the Back of the Book 2/5

 Continuing yesterday's project with Jess:

The fate of the world rests on the shoulders of four unusual teenagers. Faron has spent his entire life hiding the strange bark-like markings on his torso, which is no easy task as a member of a traveling merchant caravan. Orla's blue-violet cat eyes have earned her fear and animosity in her father's palace, which she repays with a temper as fiery as her hair. Kai's adoptive family has always loved him despite the scales on his palm, but he can't help but wonder about the family who gave him up. Blind street-thief Wren, named for the tiny bird she resembles, manipulates air currents to obtain necessities. Together, these four must find their way to the hidden city of Loria before the sorceress queen and her withered army discover their existence.

Sugarsugarsugar: Oh. My. Gosh. I got chills. Wow, talk about someone who can take a note...you are amazing.


Sugar: This is SO much more interesting.


Salt: The first sentence has two literal cliches, "fate of the world" and "rests on the shoulders." You could definitely use a more powerful opening line.


Sugar: However! I like how you tie in the four descriptions with a single sentence. It works extremely well.


Salt: Faron's description feels a bit too long and my eyes start skipping over things. I'd choose one detail because there's so much information here.


Sugar: I think your strongest is the bark-like markings. Very mysterious.


Salt: I'd take out "which she repays with a temper as fiery as her hair." I try to make it a point not to say any maiden has a fiery temper in a fantasy book. It gets really overused. Matching her temper to her red hair is also a bit overdone. We'll get to find out about her hair color in the book, but I don't think the physical description is important in the hook, except for the blue-violet eyes, which seem more pertinent to her actual situation.


Sugar: "fear and animosity in her father's palace" is a great way to incorporate just enough backstory, and it's awesome to boot.


Salt: Same note for Kai. I'd pick one detail. You might feel like you have to present the conflict here, but it's already presented in the first half: Kai's adoptive family has always loved him--despite the scales on his palms" works just fine. Wondering about the family that gave him up is a little too familiar.


Sugar: I am loving all of the specific, unique details you're giving me here, and the fact that the elements the children represent are decipherable, but not blatantly spelled out.


Salt: I'd try rearranging so Wren's description flows easier. It's a bit awkward at the moment. Maybe, "Wren, named for the tiny bird she resembles, manages to live as a street thief, despite the fact she is blind." The air currents are a great world-building detail we'll be able to find out later. But remember that your hook is to get people interested, so saying "manages to live as a thief despite being blind" is enough to make us wonder 'how?"


Sugar: Using one more sentence to wrap everything up is genius. "Before the Sorceress Queen and her withered army discover their existence" is such a great landing spot. Oh man, I just love it.


Salt: As lovely as the description is, it's not very scary to be chased by a "withered" army. I'd pick a more threatening adjective for your pursuers.


Way to go. If I saw this description at the bookstore, I would definitely open to the first page. :D

Stay tuned for phase 3 tomorrow!
In the meantime, do you ever catch yourself relying on cliches, or over-describing your hooks?
Just remember, if a hook keeps going--it's a loop, not a hook! And it's hard to catch a fish with a loop :)

Behind the Back of the Book 1/5

Lots to do of impish agendas!
If you missed Tyrean's story of The Horse in the Well this weekend, make sure to check it out!

I have an interesting project for your viewing-pleasure this week:

My writer-friend, Jess--at Concrete Pieces of Soul, and I recently revamped her hook/summary. I thought sharing the process here on the blog might help others who might be jumping over some similar hurdles. Each day will show one of five exchanges we had while working.

Jess is Green.
I am Blue. 

The Keepers, four races of elemental beings, have been driven into hiding by the evil sorceress Malloren. Thinking themselves doomed to a life of secrecy in a hidden city, their hopes are rekindled when a prophecy tells of their salvation. Four human children from different areas of the world will be born with elemental magic. It is these four children who will bring about Malloren's downfall and restore the natural order. They have waited 100 years, and the children's powers are now awakening...

 Two bits of sugar


1) I am positive your story is unique. A writer as enthusiastic as you are is obviously working hard to make it so. I can tell from the tone in your hook that you are excited to tell this story.


2) Your hook is nice and simple. Being able to sum up what your book is about in a few sentences is dang hard. From this, I could walk outside and tell another person what your story is about. It translates easily.


Two bits of salt


1) Your hook is not making your story sound unique. Elemental beings, evil sorceresses, hidden cities, hopes rekindled, prophesies (especially of a savior), awakening powers and the need to align those separate elements are all really old fantasy tropes. Those can all be found in many other books. They are also somewhat vague and you're bordering on pitching "themes." You can have these things, you just don't use them in your pitch or hook. You want to pitch original details. Here's an old post I wrote about this very thing. (The post is in reference to queries, but the concept is the same.)


2) I don't know who your main character is, and you have pitched me your villain. The only character you actually name is your villain. Make sure to tell me WHO your story is about. Name the character that the book is in the perspective of. If it switches from four perspectives, you're going to have to introduce all four of your main characters. If you feel like that's hard to do in a hook, it's even harder to do in a book. Unless the book is about your villain, I don't know why you're introducing us to her instead of everyone else, especially your MCs.

Stay tuned for phase 2! Do you ever struggle with a vague hook or pitching your villain instead of your MC?